my name carries the word of blessing and some big expectations from my parents, but sometimes i feel like my life has been so far from it. surely it has the ability to suck too. disappointment is inevitable. some people will be major assholes. i’ll spill coffee on my white shirt or dress almost all the damn time, and i end up feeling ugly. life’s gonna suck, and it’s going to get to the point where it’s so damn painful i’m going to be so hard on myself at the end of the day.
my mind always mutters that way. sometimes, i talk cruelly in front of the mirror and allow myself to hang out with condescending pricks while I hold grudges against people who never really did anything wrong. my heart hurts from the words i never got the chance to yell at the world, and my anger burns like a raging wasp.
but when i woke up this morning, i realized that i’m still alive. and you know what? you are, too. this is the reality and oftentimes, reality is balanced. somewhere along the line, there will be some epic happiness that comes along and tips that scale. people will make me laugh when i want to cry. those who wronged me will apologize even when i want to hate them. my best friend will show up in the middle of the day, and my eyes will burst in tears because i’m happy. those coffee stains will magically come off my shirt and dress, and i’ll feel pretty again. life has the tendency to be good too.
as i’m writing this, i hug myself dearly and talk to her in the softness of a voice i haven’t even heard before:
“you’ll be okay, yeah? it’s alright if right now it doesn’t feel like that at all, if every inch of your body aches and everything’s blur. it can be confusing at times and it’s alright to feel anxious. just remember that even when you feel that way, there’s this hand that will always hold you close and love you unconditionally. and breathe… don’t forget to breathe. dance with the waves. you always look beautiful when you dance. sit with the pain longer if needed, but always remember to pick yourself up after, okay? hold this hand if you need to, because you don’t have to go through everything alone. see? it’s here. this hand will always be here. you’ll be okay, you will be okay.”
the bluntness of it all, this is the only life i have, and this is the only one i’m gonna get. and that somehow, somewhere, one day, that scale will be balanced, and i’m going to be okay. maybe not tomorrow or next week, but eventually.
